Contentment. Ew. I hate that word. I know it is supposed to be a good thing but i just dont want to do it. I want time to go by faster and I want to have what i want now. I dont want to be content with where I am in life. I despise where I am right now. I know that i shouldnt and i would be a hell of a lot happier if i would just suck it up and deal with it. I should be happy where I am. I just got a new job working part time, making the same money as i did full time. Im pregnant with a precious baby. I love my husband, (I dont know how he deals with me). We have 2 beautiful boys and they are so healthy and happy. Why would i not be content?
I think my issue is control. Some things in life are uncontrolable and this makes me so mad. It makes me so mad that now, after moving, my midwife will not be able to deliver our baby. I have to go to the same doctor that delivered my baby Dom Dom. We did NOT get along. My doctor was all about intervention. Sometimes, intervention is nessessary but it makes a lot more sense to support the bodies natural functions rather than to take in into our own hands. We are just humans… Psht. We are nothing. God on the other hand, He knows. His design is perfect. Why ignore it?
So, this is where I am. I’m stuck with a doctor i dont like, and I can’t have a natural birth in my own home because of state law. Im PISSED. Just one of the many things that I do not have control over. I just keep thinking over and over, “If only we never moved” or “If only I hadnt quit my last job”. I know it doesnt help to think like this but im bitter. I feel my life is out of control just because its not in MY ccontrol. When I was in college, before i had a family i was so flexible with my life. I went with the flow and wasnt worried about anything. I also had much greater faith then. One step forward and two steps back. My fault, but thats the way it is. I have to fight so hard to get that back.
James 4:8 KJV
Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
So according to this I guess my first step would be to cleanse my hands. Boy, double minded is right! I want to be content, and give God control but the sinful part of me says screw that! Im going to be selfish.
A lot for me to think and pray about. Gardening is going to be my prayer time. I feel closer to God, its something i do twice a day without fail, and its quiet. Soon to come pictures of my growing garden!
The H Files 